By Phil Ossefie
TLDR: Let’s try finding fresh eyes.
How we view friendship
Like many things, our beliefs about what a friend should be and what friendship can completely determine how we feel about our own situation.
Disproving that we’re being a “simp” doesn’t matter if we still feel terrible that our friend never reaches out to us first.
If we don’t feel any different, we clearly have not adapted our belief that friends show interest in each other by proactively checking in.
We know it’s hard to change our mind on this. It’s a very justified belief, entirely. Add that we’ve probably thought this way for a very long time. We know that’s immensely difficult to shift. But is it the only way? Sincerely consider if it’s still doing us a disservice by hurting us and wasting our time making us obsess about and ruminate on it.
It’s valid to feel negative
We could also feel that we’re pathetic and sad to have to adapt our belief in the first place, “Why do we have to change and not them? That’s not fair. It’s like we’re conceding again because we need them more.”
It’s also valid to be neutral
Perhaps it’s possible to see that it’s not about fairness—we’re not changing so they don’t have to. We’re changing because we’d like to master our mind and the type of thoughts it breeds that don’t serve us constructively. No one’s conceding here, or needs anyone more or isn’t needed enough, there’s simply a person looking to grow stronger.
“Why do we have to appreciate the nuances in an interaction? It’s like we’re lying to ourselves to inflate the value of a slight smile in their eyes or a mundane story about their day. We shouldn’t have to make a big deal of their social ‘breadcrumbs’ just to sustain our own investment in the relationship!”
We appreciate the little things not because we’re surviving on breadcrumbs, but because the details have always been valuable to connected human beings, and we know not to take them for granted.
Also, what about “less is more?” Our current desires could be what’s inflated, bloated over years of socio-economic conditioning. Maybe we’re greedy.
“You keep saying, ‘The bar is low’ when it comes to investment, added value, being better off and genuine human connection. Isn’t that because beggars can’t be choosy? Losers who have nothing going for them can’t have standards and expectations either because that’d just be greedy.”
Doesn’t being greedy generally block inner peace regardless? A beggar is forced to make the most of the least. A monk whose spirit is free from the material world endeavours to make the most of the least. But more importantly, we are neither so why are we using them as analogies for ourselves?
Standards and expectations have their place in pursuits of excellence—be it some craft, skill, product or brand. So when it comes to recreational ventures, like friendship, isn’t the point often less about excellence, as opposed to nourishing our mental well-being? I don’t know, just entertaining that thought.
The truth can be negative and all those feelings are valid: it is unfair, we are conceding, it does inflate their actions and we shouldn’t have to. Beggars can’t be choosy, have standards or expectations. However, the truth can also be that none of those things have to matter.
Genuine human connection of any kind is still good, even between strangers like rich miserable men and escorts. In the face of a moment of harmony that transcends status, sure, we could still call these people “pathetic.” But something worthwhile would still be taking place.
The challenge of choice
We genuinely believe that how we see the friendship and what matters in it are our choices within our control. But we understand how it often feels like we don’t have a choice, and how immensely difficult it is to make different choices.
Our choices are the result of our disposition and inclinations, and these are the result of our cumulative life experience and what we’ve been taught.
So to change what we choose requires seeking new information, critically testing it and truly resonating with it at a personal level.
For those who have never learnt much of this neutral perspective we just offered, then perhaps it can finally be added to our vast collection of life experience. Maybe it could make a difference down the road. But if it doesn’t, it’s all good, we’re free to believe as we see fit.
It’s over when it’s over
After everything we’ve gone through so far, we’d still never recommend cutting ‘friends ’em off. Don’t make such an intentional and active choice to never see them again. Think about or imagine all the friends we had who are now in another country, state or simply far away. We aren’t texting and can’t meet them. Aren’t those friendships “over?”
Expectations of faraway friends
Yet, we don’t often look back on the time together with them bitterly.
One main difference is that our expectations of these friendships was for it to be temporary in the first place, so it feels alright that we aren’t in contact with them anymore.
We can actually look back fondly on the harmony we shared, and appreciate it more precisely because of its transience.
This is way better than our mentality towards the “lousy” friends we are currently thinking about cutting off. We never made it a point to cut off these faraway friends. By extension, no matter the logistics and convenience, isn’t all friendship transient?
Possibilities regardless of result
This brings us to another key difference with faraway friends: if someone asked us whether we’d interact with them again, we’d answer “yes” without thinking twice (if we left on good terms). Even if our whole lives go by and that never happens. We’d just be thinking to ourselves, “Yeah, I’d be happy to see them again and catch up-” and then never do anything to actualize it.
It’s dormant, not over… even if it’s dormant forever.
The belief that we could potentially spend time with them again like old times is enough for us to feel alright about it. We can still call it a “friendship.” Even if we never hear from the again, we won’t really notice, so there’s nothing to be sad about.
Let go
Consciously deciding to cut off lousy friends makes it a big deal. That’s almost like an announcement or declaration, even if just to ourselves. We don’t need to consciously think about them at all to purposely let them go.
Paradoxically, thinking we’re “purposely” letting them go is doing the opposite: holding on. Not only are we holding on tight, we ourselves are still gripped by the unresolved lack of closure.
Letting go should be effortless.
Our suggestion that faraway, dormant friendship can exist and is ok aims to make it not such a big deal. Instead, how a friendship changes, whether it grows or fades, it’s all normal, part and parcel as time passes. We imagine that’s how normal people who aren’t losers handle waning friendships, neutrally. Or they just don’t think about it and have never thought about them. That’s the same deal as not noticing that we never hear from them again.
As effortlessly as letting go, we can let things be:
- The expectations that the state of friendship is fluid, changeable and impermanent
- The view that unrenewed friendships go dormant instead of ending
These can be applied across all friendships, if we wanted to see it that way.
At the end of the day, all friendships—dormant, lousy, faraway, Tier D to Tier A—are only over for sure when we’re dead (and that’s also not sad as much as just something normal or neutral that happens).
Take it as serious or easy as we should
It sounds like we just pulled a “it’s not that serious” on anyone reading this, twice. We suggested
- that things can be neutral instead of negative
- to not make a big deal of drifting apart
From the bottom of our heart, we promise we aren’t belittling anyone or making light of their pain. We understand that pain too, loneliness feels terrible.
We’ve expended a lot of brainpower—like a lot lot, we’re not very smart so we’ve had to overthink this whole time—to write this spiel on How we view friendship. It’s around 1200 words. So even if anyone reading this feels that the only takeaway from this entire message is “don’t take it so seriously,” trust that we took everything we said about “not taking it so seriously” very seriously.
We hope anyone reading this can feel how much we care, maybe “it’s not that serious,” but it is “that deep” to us. We dedicated this time and effort to walk anyone through the thought process of our suggestions, and our hope is for it to only serve where it’s welcomed.
Whatever we believe, cut our friend’s off or not, take it easy or serious, friends are people we choose interact with and stick around for again and again. It may be technically impossible to understand someone else 100%, know their lives inside and out, but friends try enough see us for what we are and still seek to understand us more.
They know we’re already focusing on ourselves. Keep it up! Work hard, grow strong, have fun.
Live well,
Phil